Sick as a parrot!.

The news yesterday that yet again a failure to agree had been registered at PNB regarding our pay claim for 2008 sadly came as no surprise. I’m sure like me you are having overwhelming feelings of déjà vu.

We’ve asked for 3.5% they’ve offered 2.325%. What do you reckon the odds are that the PAT will offer 2.5% only for the less than honourable member for Redditch to back date the rise to say December thus making the real value of the award 2.325%?

My members have been saying for some time that surely now the time has come to admit that continuing to follow the path offered by the PNB is wholly unproductive. Each time we take this route we end up going round in a circle and each year we will end up at the same junction, in the same position facing the same obstinacy. I agreed and tried to progress their views discretely

Yesterdays statement only strengthens this view and I believe we now need to make it publically known that the time has arrived for us to strike out on a different route. The route which the overwhelming majority of our members have told us to follow. The route to achieving greater employment rights. I accept it’s an uncertain path. The dishonourable member said at PFEW conference that it was a “dead end”. But even if she’s right, how long a road is it, and how much political damage can we cause, before we hit the buffers?  I know also that it won’t be an easy, quick or cheap journey to undertake but surely the glorious uncertainty is preferable to the grinding inevitability of continued and repeated rejection.

We will also know that in years to come we can look the new generation of police officers in the eye and say that we explored every possible avenue in order to achieve the best for our members. Sadly PNB can no longer provide us with the reassurance that it is dealing with our claims apolitically and reasonably.

It has become hamstrung by an administration led by a control freak of a PM unwilling to allow it to reach any verdict other than the one imposed by him. It has served us well since its inception but sadly its time to let it slip away. I’m conscious that this article is all doom and gloom so if you’ll pardon me finishing on a note of totally undue levity and with sincere apologies to Messer's Cleese & Palin, the following probably best sums up my thoughts regarding PNB.

Police Officer: I wish to complain about this pay determining body what I accepted not half a year ago.

Home Office Official: Oh yes, the, uh, the PNB...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

PO: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'It’s dead, that's what's wrong with it!

HOO: No, no, 'it's uh,...it's resting.

PO: Look, matey, I know a dead pay body when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

HOO: No no it's not dead, it’s, it’s restin'! Remarkable body, the PNB, don’t you think? Beautiful plumage!

PO: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

HOO: Nononono, no, no! 'It’s resting!

PO: All right then, if it’s restin', I'll wake it up!

'Ello, Mister Pay body! I've got a lovely fresh pay claim for you if you want...(Home office official hits the pay body)

HOO: There, it moved!

PO: No, it didn't, that was you hitting it!

HOO: I never!!

PO: Yes, you did!

HOO: I never, never did anything...

PO: (yelling and hitting it repeatedly) 'ELLO PNB!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Pay body and thumps it. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

PO: Now that's what I call a dead pay body.

HOO: No, no.....No, 'it's stunned!

PO: STUNNED?!?

HOO: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin' up! PNB’s stun easily, major.

PO: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That pay body is definitely deceased, and when I agreed to it not 'alf a year ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged negotiation.

HOO: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

PO: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I went to use it again?

HOO: The PNB prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable organisation, isn’t it, squire? Lovely plumage!

PO: Look, I took the liberty of examining that pay body recently, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

HOO: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that pay body down, it would have nuzzled up to you, and VOOM! Gone and paid you what was reasonable!

PO: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this pay body wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'It’s bleedin' demised!

HOO: No no! 'It’s pining!

PO: 'it's not pinin'! 'It’s passed on! This pay body is no more! It has ceased to be! 'It’s expired and gone to meet 'its maker!

'It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, 'it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'it to the perch 'it'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'It’s off the twig!
'Its kicked the bucket, 'it's shuffled off 'its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding' choir invisible!!

THIS IS AN EX-PAY DETERMINATION BODY AND YOU KILLED IT!!

As ever I would welcome your views on this or any other article on the site to "my opinion"

Regards

Mark Crake

General Secretary

IBB